Wednesday, March 29, 2006

New Disease

In High School we called it Senioritis. Now I don't know what to call it. I'm not a senior. It's not so much wanting to leave so bad it hurts, more just not knowing what to do, where to go.

Architecture? What the hell was I thinking? But can I really bring myself to teach English the rest of my life? Am I the only one who wants to skip the education phase? I could just run away and live on a National Park. I love learning more than anything, but I am learning the least in college. I don't care how to cross-hatch a wall while drafting. I don't care about complementary colors. I don't care anymore. I just want to live, to simply exist. I just want to roadtrip to some back-country beach in Mexico and stay forever.

I hate the news. Not because it's all bad news, but because it's all pointless. I don't care what ex-cop beat up an ex-Marine in a bar in ________. I don't care how the economy is. I can still eat. Besides, real news is always ignored: humanity has absolutely no compassion for its own. I just don't care about a shooting in ________ anymore. How does it affect me? It doesn't at all. And somewhere I forgot to live deep. To enjoy life. Even while I was having an amazing time this weekend, with my birthday, and even with a reading I've been stoked for all semester on Thursday, I am lackluster.

And don't even get me started on the American Dream. That frantic stressed-out desire for more so one can retire early and live slowly. Isn't that what I'm doing? I live slowly and cheaply with a job at a camera store. I have a school to keep me occupied, a few addiction I am able to support, and a couple good friends. I don't need or want anything else. Why would I? I have it all. I have it all. I have it all.

But something is calling my name somewhere. I must find it. I must befriend it. I must keep it.

No comments: